I used to look up to this one person. I would watch her reaction to every different situation. I would break down her life -- her family, her relationships, her thought patterns -- and I would find the stepping stones to make myself just like her. She was confident and she could handle anything thrown at her. She always set the mood. If she were angry, I should be too. If she were happy, I'd try to make myself see the bright side of a situation. Everything she said was law. She made sure to let me know that she was right in everything she did. I believed it and sometimes I caught myself asking what she would do if she were in my situation. I didn't know much, all I knew was that she was the person I should become if I wanted to be happy.
Then things slowly changed after I had to go my own way. After all these years I'm not only looking back but looking at today. I don't despise her or anything of the sort, but I just don't revere her as much anymore. When I look back I see that she wasn't always as effective as I thought she was. She wasn't foolproof, and I can see now that she has made mistakes and stood on as many toes as I have. I can't blame her for pretending to be strong back then, because as a kid sometimes you can think the world revolves around you. I can only hope she sees that it's ok to be wrong and it's ok to be second-best.
The best thing that ever happened to me was going my own way. Today I find it hard to find that one person to look up to. It would be good to have a role model but right now I don't think I can handle the potential disappoint it might bring with it. For now I'm synthesising the effective qualities I see in different people to try to build something respectable that I can work toward.
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