Something very unattractive:

Ignorance coupled with no desire to try and open one's mind and give something a chance. Wallowing in your pool of bleak and pitiable intolerance, waiting for others to fit themselves around your say, your views, your world.

Are there people in this world who we just can't change?

Last day of unit 3/4 classes.

More like the last day of school classes EVER.

It hasn't sunk in yet, and I'm thinking it won't sink in until after exams.

I said goodbye to my childhood on my first day at Killester.

I said goodbye to my adolescence when I turned 18 a few months ago.

And now I'm going to say goodbye to both my childhood and my adolescence, and say hello to the adult world.

I already feel so old.

At the start of this year my chemistry teacher made us fill in a self-evaluation thing. Dated as 12/02/2011, it asked things like:

- What do you think this year holds for you?

- What are your current goals?

- What is your favourite/least favourite subject?

- What do you plan to do after Mac.Rob?

and finally,

- If you could say/ask one thing to yourself about anything at the end of year 12, what would it be?

I'm glad I took this task seriously and didn't flippantly dismiss it as lame. It's really interesting.. what I wrote down as my "favourite subject" is now my mortal enemy. My writing's changed a lot too, which could be saying something about myself.. or am I looking a tad too deeply into this?

I don't want to display my answers to these questions.. they're pretty personal and some stuff I wrote was lame.

What did strike me though was how I promised myself not to become a study-bot and here I am. Everyday I'm a-studyin'.

Sometimes our views and attitudes toward things can change very slowly over time without us noticing. I'm sure we've all noticed this. If you read an excerpt of an old blog post, or a diary entry you'll be thinking "wow.. that really used to be me." When this happens, I feel glad. It makes me feel like I'm actually growing because I kid you not, I wasn't too fond of who I used to be.

It gives a sense of satisfaction seeing how far you've come, and I think that being able to perceive and fully appreciate the distance you've journeyed is what keeps you going. At least for me. If I couldn't see that I was making any progress in life I'd start to wonder what the point of anything was. I would lose ambition and motivation, and I would hit a standstill.. or even decline.

I think it's good to write your thoughts down. I'm going to do that thing in HIMYM where Marshall writes a letter to his 30-year-old self.

On a brighter note, I'm excited!

For the premiere of the year 12 video tmr.

For muck-up day (more like dress-up day) tmr.

For valedictory? Idk, Louise fully bagged it and said it was a boring event last year. We'll see.

I'm worried about the medley I'm doing with Joy during the farewell assembly though. We've barely practised.. probably a total of 3 sessions. And we've had a new addition to our duo.. on quite short notice. I'm not even a professional guitar player and after Ivy and my Mac.Rob formal performance I've felt a bit wary toward playing in public again T_T.

Dots.

I only wanted to take a quick glimpse of this video before getting back to studying. I ended up watching the whole thing.

His speech is really appropriate for me especially at this moment in my life. I've been fretting about what I might spend my future doing. I know I should be choosing a career path that will give me a stable job and a sustainable income, but that type of job implies banality. At the same time, having an exciting and fulfilling job is usually hard to earn a good living with, and most of those jobs are volatile and liable to change.

I know there is probably a middle ground between these, but that doesn't make the future any less scary. What's pushing me more toward receding into the stable lifestyle -- despite the countless times I've heard that loss and failure are inevitable parts of life -- is pretty much.. the fear of loss and failure. That's why listening to Steve Jobs' speech drew me in so deeply. Before he became the successful man he was, he grew up with a very unconventional life and went through quite an amount of crap.

My brother told us Jobs' story during Christmas dinner last year but I didn't think much of it back then. I just wanted to eat and talk about the possible family trip to China. I can't believe that up until now I've been missing out on this man's inspiring story. Or in this video, three stories: connecting the dots, love and loss, and death.

My favourite part of the speech was:
"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life."

-- Steve Jobs, 1955-2011
Rest in peace.

A little insecure

People can say they'll get over things and they probably do, but do people have that one sensitive area that they can't help being insecure about? That one subject that can't be joked about without it hurting a little? The other person doesn't even have to have any malicious intent when they mention or joke about it.. And it doesn't matter how far you've moved past that issue.. For some reason that area just hits home.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Putting books in their proper place

I found this beautiful, uplifting video on youtube. They couldn't have used a better analogy and the piano score is lovely.

Open your mind, but not so much so that ideas pass straight through it.

Q: Why are there jerks and assholes?

Because they know that to be otherwise is to get stepped on -- to be used and disposed of.

We like to think that if we gave our hearts out and worked hard for people, gave away our extra time to finish a job or furnish the details, we'd get rewarded for it. Slaving away behind the scenes in the vain hope that we'll be appreciated. That's what happens in fiction.. the good always get rewarded in some way, shape or form.

The reality is that there are a lot more selfish than selfless people than we'd like to think this world breeds.

Yes, doing good deeds can make you feel good on the inside but it can be hard to consistently find that inherent and intangible reward in the good act itself.. especially if it flies under the radar too many times. In this day and age not a lot of people care about anyone other than themselves, or whoever's pants they're trying to get into or whoever can help them up the social ladder.

Maybe some people choose to be a dickhead because they'd rather work and help themselves -- where they'll definitely feel the benefit through self-reward -- than work for others who will probably acknowledge and/or appreciate them.. or probably not.

I was born in a pirate ship

"Ships that pass in the night, and speak each other in passing, only a signal shown, and a distant voice in the darkness; So on the ocean of life, we pass and speak one another, only a look and a voice, then darkness again and a silence."

- Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth

Water, water everywhere

and not a drop to drink

Falling into old habits

I've been tempted here and there, but lately I haven't been so noble as to refuse them.
A little dropping of my guard, and a little curiosity before it consumed me.

I'm the son of rage and love

The Jesus of Suburbia.

I love concept albums. Albums where all the songs in it are "unified by a theme" and when listened to, progressively tells a story.

I didn't know there was actually a name for it. Now that I've found the name I can express my endearment toward it even more so.

I like mindless dance music and infectious pop songs every now and then, but to a much greater extent, I like songs that actually mean something.

Green Day's American Idiot -- it encompasses a story which explores the theme of rage vs. love as illustrated by the bleeding heart-shaped grenade on the album cover.

And my other favourite rock band in my early adolescent years, My Chemical Romance, also wrote a concept album: The Black Parade

Wiki: "It is a rock opera centering on a dying character with cancer known as 'The Patient'. The album tells the story of his apparent death, experiences in the afterlife, and subsequent reflection on his life."

Concept albums make the music so much more interesting. They're like films, but without visuals. By utilising the wonders of your imaginative juices, you become the director of these stories.

Seeing as Hollywood's running out of original movie ideas and they've turned to adapting popular fiction into film, maybe they'll adapt concept albums next? I'm eager for that to happen.

Easy come, easy go

Little high, little low
Anyway the wind blows,
doesn't really matter to me.

If he leaves her for you, what's to say he won't leave you for another "her"?

Easy come, easy go,

will you let me go?

------------------------

Oh man oh man ohman ohmanohmanomanomannnnnnn I cannot wait until I turn 18.

I can buy anything in any store (hehe). Go to clubs and bars. Book apartments. Go on ROAD TRIPS. Go to strip clubs (lol jk.... I'd go to a male version of it. Okay no, I'm kidding about the whole strip club thing. Actually I'm down for most things once, just sayin'). I know some people say these privileges are overrated but WHATEVER

I still want to check them out for myself!

Being 18 is the onset of the prime moments of your life. The moments you'll remember forever. You'll be 40 and say to yourself, "ah, I remember when I was 20. Young, and had my whole life in front of me. I was quite the wild cat back then."

In those moments, you're still young and it's better than being 16 or 17 because you've overcome puberty and your teenage angst (most of it hopefully).

I want to write a letter to the future Patricia, aged 30 like in "How I Met Your Mother". I should say what I imagined she would be doing. And I'd say I hope she was happy with her life.

That'll be interesting as.

I need a face to punch

It's annoying when you need to rant to someone but they're unavailable or missing.

You know they won't judge you and they'll take your side and maybe even join in the whinging, even if you may be overreacting and slightly wrong.

The point is they make you feel less "ARGH", and a knot unties itself in your chest. And a few grey hairs are avoided.

Come onnnnnnnnn!

This is heinous

Okay this morning I was scrolling down the newsfeed on facebook before my eye got caught by Sean's status:

"downloading the most fucked up movie of all time (apprantly)
/scared :\"

I had a period where I loved ghost and thriller films. I liked them because I was mature enough to know that the ghosts weren't real, and the directors of these films weren't original enough to deviate from the basic framework of movies in this genre. I just watched them because they were, indeed, "thrilling" to watch.

It would be something like.. a guy gets killed in the introduction, there are scenes with fake climaxes (something scary happens but it turns out to be someone joking), people don't believe the first person who figures there's something weird going on, the cocky guy of the group is the next to go, along with some other unsuspecting and naive characters, and eventually everything comes out in the open and either the main characters survive or they die. Yeyeyeye.

When I read Sean's status I was thinking, "pfft. I'm 17. I've seen so many horror films and heard of many depraved stories in the papers -- nothing can top the cake. Nothing else can freak me out afresh." So I wikied the plot synopsis.

The movie being mentioned on facebook was "A Serbian Film". I kid you not, even just reading it on wiki... well, let's just say that "most fucked up movie of all time" was exactly what I was thinking after I read it.

PLEASE! Do not read it if you're faint-hearted or would rather stay away from the disgusting ideas this movie encompasses. I can't stop anyone from being curious (like I was).. but I did give out a warning. Now you know, and now you can do whatever you want.

Why in God's name would anyone think up of a plot like this? I genuinely am asking that. I read it in the morning and throughout the whole day I kept getting creeped out by it. Yeah, call me weak and a typical squealing girl. But this movie disturbs me so much because it involves no supernatural forces, just satanic acts. Foul and heinous crimes against humanity. With ghost films at least I know it's (probably) not real. But with this stupid excuse for a film it makes me wonder if any of this shit happens out there. It defies humanity to the core and showcases the worst that could ever be found in humans. I'm even questioning the making of this film and it's legality.

I don't want to keep thinking about it. I really do feel traumatised by it.. and I don't use that adjective lightly. I wish I could forget it. Eughhhh.. I'll probably re-read this tomorrow and realise I'm overreacting. But.... eughhhhhhhhh..

If knowledge is power and ignorance is akin to stupidity, then right now I want to be the stupidest and most powerless girl alive.

I'm a dork

The last time I went to the cinemas was months ago. I'm so glad I saw X-Men First Class in cinemas because it made the film so much more gripping and.. well, awesome.

This is one of those moments where language annoys me because I know there's no way in hell that I'll be able to describe how good this movie was and how it made me feel :')

James McAvoy. Swoon.

I don't like to brag about this but I'm so into all that fantasy stuff. Like how the X-men have all those superpowers from their mutations, and how the hypothetical world they live in is divided into mutants and humans. Misfits, another superhero/super-powers show I like, reminds me of X-Men, but with more sex and abrasive British swearing. Don't forget Harry Potter and all that wand-waving action.

And the Final Fantasy franchise was awesome. The Japanese are amazing, with their graphics designing and their storylines. FFX had a really romantic storyline, and by "romantic" I mean involving an "idealised view of reality", not just the love between a man and a woman (although it did have that too). I don't remember it that well, but you really have to wikipedia the storyline because I suck at retelling plots.

It's not just these idealistic storylines that draw me in, it's how they can do awesome stuff! Like how characters can cast fire, thunder, ice and water spells. Fire, fira and firaga (who knows what that refers to?). How people have superpowers like turning invisible, reading minds, scaling buildings, flying, shooting out fire, freezing things, moving metal, etc etc. How they go on awesome, purposeful and moralistic adventures.. None of that shit happens in reality. How unfair.

Yes, it's because of the relatively mundane boundaries of reality that turn us toward fantasy and the ideal. I'm sorry for sounding like a dork. But I later discovered that I had to adapt to the real world, which is why I'm deterred from video games now. Although I allow myself to a bit of fantasy fiction and film :)

One last thing: I remember dreaming (when I was in primary school) that I was a character from DBZ (Trunks' daughter?), and I could fly and shoot power beams. There was this one evil guy in the shape of a cake floating on a river. To defeat him you had to eat him. I remember it tasting pretty good.. and when I woke up my pillow was gone. I'm kidding about the pillow part, but I did have that dream and it was one of the best dreams I've ever had.

Hello holidays

July 1; last day of term 2.
To kick it off we had the Environment Dress pageant at lunch. Kathy made quite a good model, especially when she showed off her shuffling moves on stage. If only somebody recorded that 5-second wonder.

Our lovely enviro rep and enviro dress model! And a random curry. HAHA jks I love Varsha :)!

The photo's a bit blurry..

Then t'was Dom and JD's joint 18th. I don't think I'll go through what happened that night, largely because I don't remember everything and some details are best left unexplored :) or best told in real life.

I'm pretty sure I'll progressively remember little things that happened and smile to myself. Hehe. It was a better night than I anticipated because I actually don't hang out with that Springvale crowd. Way too gangster for me and the dorkiness that runs in my blood. Also I liked how there was minimal munting at this party!

But I do want to delve into the topic of "hookups". It's okay for people to do it. It's just a bit of fun. We're all warm-blooded mammals, and in an exciting atmosphere like a party with loud music and drinks, it's not completely wrong to do it. Unless the person you choose to do it with will lead to a relationship being damaged. Yeah then that's not right.

I can neither confirm nor deny having done this in the past. But now I find myself going to parties telling myself to not do it. And I'm proud that I've kept to my own word, like last night as an example. Quang told me about his "player" friend there last night who seems to go to parties just to look for hookups. I personally find that a bit lame. And unhygienic. I'm wondering if that's the only way he can have fun at a party and if that's the only trick up his sleeve. If you do it so much, isn't it a bit of overkill? And I personally would lose so much respect for myself if I threw myself around like that. Louise was saying how she isn't afraid of other people judging her when she does stuff but she is wary of judging herself. That couldn't have been said any better.

That's just what I think. Maybe people who do hook up frequently don't actually lose respect for themselves. I can't speak for them. And maybe some twist of fate for the better might result from a hookup. But this how I feel about it now for myself.

But anyway, I had a good night! And my dad didn't kill me cos he was fast asleep when I got home. Teehee.

My first (real) party with Michelle :)! She's really fun but has the shittest coordination when she's tipsy LOL.

The birthday boy who always ditches me at Jack's methods ==

We didn't take a lot of photos and I didn't get one with the birthday girl!

Our holiday-eyebrows are looking quite fine.

THIS IS SLIGHTLY OFF TOPIC BUT

I'm not happy with how the colour burgundy is flooding clothes shops now. My sister just came home and told me Supre's full of burgundy stuff.

I don't want to sound like an indie fag but why must mainstream culture ruin all things good :(!

Well I already bought my formal dress in burgundy and the formal's in 4 weeks so hopefully I'll be able to get away with the look while it's still got a bit of originality in it.

I'm excited for the holidays. I've forgotten what homework I promised myself to do. Uh ohz

Edit:

Just a little rant. One thing I find annoying is how some people love the sound of their own voice a little too much. How some people can be too boisterous in an irritating way. Loud people are fun but some people constantly talk over you (about something completely off topic and regarding themselves) or don't listen to what you say. They just simply wait until it's their turn to talk (about something completely off topic and regarding themselves). And when you're talking to someone else they constantly nag you for your attention when you clearly are already in mid-conversation with someone else. CHILLACKS YOUR SACKS, MATE.

Grr

I try to follow other blogspots but I can't find the "follow" button and I can't find the names of the bloggers.

FINE.
I won't take an interest in your life then!

Time is a scarce resource

When you know you're not wanted, no more time should be wasted serving those that milk you raw without giving anything back, not even a prior massage. In order to thrive, respect needs to be fed respect. It's not wishful thinking, but there genuinely are plenty of other people more decent and more deserving of your time.

So to the others I say pfft. See ya.

Why VCE is a battlefield pt. 1

I'm going to make a series of posts explaining why VCE is a battlefield.
This metaphor first came to my attention in Jacky babe's class and since then I have often heard it brought up. These ideas are collected from personal and external, first- and second-hand sources. They won't be accurate for everyone. As Kathy would quote, VCE is a war and "your pencils are your swords". *Flourish*

You leave behind the life you once knew

The milk and honey days, the spoon-fed bludge lessons, wasting time at Galactic Circus, -- it's time to put these behind as you valiantly step up to the game. The State Library is your new headquarter.

You've always known that one day you'd be sent off to do VCE, but it's never bothered you because it was a far-off shadowy land that was future-you's concern.

At first you think you can handle going to war. You try to balance two lives by keeping in touch with friends and family. But your fun-time is restricted with your obligations to your books. And soon enough, the letters stop being exchanged. Not because they've stopped worrying about you, but because you don't have the time anymore.

And so you begin to blend in with the rest of your peers, falling in step with their study habits. Before you know it, while you sit in the trenches reloading your pacer, you realise you don't remember the last time you wasted time after school playing DDR.

Silver linings aren't always great

So today I found a grey hair.
O_O
O_O
O_O

Oh gawd. I plucked it out and it was only a few cm of grey at the roots. Actually, "grey" has bad connotations. I'm far too vain to associate myself with that adjective. Let's use the word "silver".
This worries me. I should stop worrying.

Edit
Remember to do in the hols:
Clean up my economics folder. Sort notes out by topics. Work on theory.
Read The Boat again. Buy and read The Bacchae.
Work through methods as much as I can.
Chemistry.. I would have done that shit to death after mid-years. Just do whatever the chem tutor takes us through.
~_~

Tween coming of age

I used to look up to this one person. I would watch her reaction to every different situation. I would break down her life -- her family, her relationships, her thought patterns -- and I would find the stepping stones to make myself just like her. She was confident and she could handle anything thrown at her. She always set the mood. If she were angry, I should be too. If she were happy, I'd try to make myself see the bright side of a situation. Everything she said was law. She made sure to let me know that she was right in everything she did. I believed it and sometimes I caught myself asking what she would do if she were in my situation. I didn't know much, all I knew was that she was the person I should become if I wanted to be happy.
Then things slowly changed after I had to go my own way. After all these years I'm not only looking back but looking at today. I don't despise her or anything of the sort, but I just don't revere her as much anymore. When I look back I see that she wasn't always as effective as I thought she was. She wasn't foolproof, and I can see now that she has made mistakes and stood on as many toes as I have. I can't blame her for pretending to be strong back then, because as a kid sometimes you can think the world revolves around you. I can only hope she sees that it's ok to be wrong and it's ok to be second-best.
The best thing that ever happened to me was going my own way. Today I find it hard to find that one person to look up to. It would be good to have a role model but right now I don't think I can handle the potential disappoint it might bring with it. For now I'm synthesising the effective qualities I see in different people to try to build something respectable that I can work toward.

Keeping on my toes

Methods sac: done. Chem sac is tomorrow and I think I've prepared myself for it. The only thing I'm worried about right now is literature. The sac is on Thursday and it's the big sac -- it's worth the most marks. It's annoying cos for EVERY English subject, EVERY year.. I never do work on the text. I just slack off in class, jot notes and draw funny pictures of Varsha. Sometimes play fruit slice. I only do work in the few weeks leading up to the sac. Unhealthy, unhealthy! I also find it the hardest subject to improve in. Probably cos I don't take advice very well. "Constructive criticism!"
Oh and there's Eco. But don't get me started on that.

Speaking of which, I downloaded an app of Hamlet notes. I can read them when alone with my phone. I'm efficient!

Better get the gloves on. Come Thursday, I'm going to be pulling a lot of crap out of my ass.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Just can't get enough of you.

Kinder Bueno is possibly the sexiest thing I've ever eaten.
It's light and crispy with a velvety smooth centre.
It cheers me up any day :)

Effective to the macs

Things deleted off my bookmarks toolbar: facebook, blogspot, tumblr, youtube, knowyourmeme, asos, formspring.

It helps because I realised that in the past, when I hop onto my macbook just to google something innocently academic (like the formula for the volume of a cone) just one idle click on any of those seductive links and 2 hours of my time are devoured. Now there are more proper things on my toolbar, like VCE notes, mrwood, UMAT, macrob webmail.

But if I deleted the bad nuggets, why am I on blogspot posting this?
Well, when I open safari the homepage is a grid showing links of all my most visited/top sites. All my top sites are pretty much my bookmarks that I deleted.

I love my macbook.. but it's killing me.

My therapy sessions

Some may not know this, but I've been having therapy sessions.

The impact of VCE has started to hit me. While term one was somewhat easy-sailing, now I'm finding it difficult to keep on top of my work. I'm not happy with the grades I've been getting because I know I can do better. I'm not happy with my lack of focus and organisation skills. I've been feeling so tightly wound up and out-of-school pressures aren't exactly helping my state of mind.

Retail therapy helps to an extent, but at the end of the day those sessions take up valuable time I could have spent catching up on work.

It's my school's fault for giving year 12s the casual clothes privilege.

Queenie. Relapse

I feel lied to. I wouldn't have made this big a deal if it were a white lie, but this had thrown me off before and now it's doing it to me again. After I'd picked it all back up. You can't have it and eat it. Make up or fix up your mind. I have more, but that's all I want to say right now. Just that I don't think I can believe much else that comes out from that mouth.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Things I do when I'm sad

To make me feel better. Sometimes separately, sometimes simultaneously. Just felt like sharing a select few. They can change depending on the type, level and magnitude of the sadness.

1. Listen to more sad songs
Finding songs one can relate to. Preferably emotional ones. Nodding to every line and saying to oneself “that’s so true”, “that’s me!” “yes, I do feel like a plastic bag drifting through the wind”.

2. Cry

Letting the water-works “free-fall from your eyes”. It can feel good. Although one preferably does this away from crowded areas and free from the public eye.

3. Curl up in bed
Pulling the blanket over one's head. It's warm and comforting. One may even do number twos during this (as in the second item on the list -- "Cry").

3. Eat
Warm foods on cold days. Junk food generally hits the spot. Decadent ice creams in hot weather. They fill the empty void found in one during times of melancholia.

4. Wash the dishes
Okay, dishwater is dirty and most likely has food scraps floating around in it. One may wear gloves when one does this chore and it protects one from the aforementioned disgusting stuff. But the gloves still let one feel the heat from the warm, soapy dishwater. In a sense, one is effectively having their cake and eating it too.

Furthermore, there’s something calming in the methodical way the dishes get scrubbed, rinsed, and put away. Seeing a clean sink makes one happy.

5. Watch nigahiga/kevjumba
Their short and sweet clips make one's mood lighter by shades.

6. Online shopping

One finds delight in accruing their collection of material possessions from the comfort of their home. It makes one feel pretty inside.

7. Read FML

By finding delight in the misfortunes of others, one is being economical.

A brick

Can either build a house or sink a dead body.

From now on, I shall attempt to sound less depressing in my posts :3

Lazy Thursday

It's only the second day of term 2 and everyone's quietly doing their own thing in our methods double. No one at all is talking. Seriously. It's so quiet. I'm afraid to cough.

Some people are doing methods. Some are doing god-knows-what behind their laptop screens. And Sophia beside me is doing Japanese with her methods book in front of her in case the teacher checks up on us. Doubt he would.

My methods teacher is hilarious. Not in the way he intends to be. He has really angular eyebrows. He reminds me of a play school actor. The way he talks is so demeaning.. He just talks to us as if we were primary school kids. You have to have him in class to know what I mean. Once he asked us, "ok girls, what point is missing from this graph? It starts with 'turn' and ends with 'ing'". *insert big cheesy smile as the punchline draws near*. "That's right, it's the turning point!!!! Ahfhdjdkshsga."

Another time I asked him to help me with a question. He did the working out on a scrap piece of paper. After he was done I asked if I could keep the working out. He cried "noooo!" as he sprawled protectively over the piece of paper, reminiscent to that of a stubborn toddler. He soon decided to let me keep it. But under the condition that he would give it to me folded like an origami and that I would "destroy after use"

I see him working behind his laptop right now. He's probably trying to get passed the level of the ninja koalas in Dora the Explorer. Lawl

I should do my methods now..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's not about school. It's not about a boy.

I go to school

I come home

I do my homework

I do my own thing

I go to sleep

I go to school.

I go out

I come home

late or early the next morning

I do my own thing

I go to sleep

I go out.

It goes either way.

I do my own thing.

I've been roaming around

I was looking down at all I see

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

.........

.........

someone like you.

Laryngitis. Made it less obvious.

Sigh

Posters on my wall

I have a few things stuck on my wall. Some are posters from magazines and some are photos. They date back to 2009.

The memories behind them are timeless, but the photos are getting outdated. The holidays are coming to an end and I still haven't fixed my wall like I said I would. I need to re-jazz it up. Did I mention that I also have a periodic, solubility and valency table stuck on my wall? I'm shameless enough to admit that. So it's safe to say my wall has been appearing mundane for a while now.

I dreamt of my wall last night (in lieu of better things or people to dream of). I had a small pile of new posters I could have put up. It was a fresh pile that made me smile when I looked at it. They had more contemporary meanings. There would've been room on my wall if I just moved the old posters.. but I kept telling myself there was no room. So I left the new posters untouched, and my old posters unmoved. Naturally, my old posters were still on the wall when I woke up.

I just wanted to write about that because I'm frustrated at my indolence. Not just with poster-arranging. And because I've been staring at walls a lot recently. Speaking of which, I should analyse Ode on Indolence after To Autumn. Shrugging back on that familiar study attitude that's caused me much affliction. Yayerz

My sister just came in to borrow my bobby pins. Bobby pins are tokens in my household. Tokens to well-groomed-ness.They're hard to find and when you do have some, you hold them tight and keep an eye on them. I told her "you better give them back straight after using them, I need them more than you do cos I have shorter hair." She said "well, I've got layered hair" and zipped out of the room. I was gonna yell back "it's your fault for getting a mullet" but it was more of a whisper. To myself. But even I could barely hear myself. I hate laryngitis....

"My mum doesn't let me play with you"

Was it just me or did anyone else ever have that said to them in primary school?

It just popped into my head while I was flicking through facebook. I found a girl who once said that to me in prep.

Then again I remember that whenever there was someone annoying, people would give me the advice: "just tell them your mum doesn't let you play with them anymore".

Girls use to say "omg, she's so mature," as if it were a bad thing. "Omg she just said 'whatever'. Who does she think she is? She's so mature!!"

Kids say the stupidest things. Lawl

This is a half-hearted post because certain people were egging me on to publish it!

Let's act like we don't care

So that when we do show we care, people can be pleasantly surprised and feel gooey and warm on the inside.

When you drop a bomb on someone you expect them to handle it and anything else you have. But when they can't, the disappointment kicks hard.

Expectations are cumbersome.

"Chicks before dicks" philosophy

I don't understand how one extremely attractive girl could make a couple of friends fight each other over her. Especially in the situation when the friends have known each other for longer than the desired girl. Suddenly, years of friendship are thrown out the window once this "babe" walks into the scene? This can also be the case for girls fighting over a boy.

I understand that humans are warm-blooded mammals, and have needs to satisfy. After all, mating is what's been driving the survival of our species. But you know what else has? Camaraderie and platonic friendship.

Look at everything non-sexual that has continued our existence. People helping people out. Friends help us to survive. We lay our problems onto them, they relieve our psychological stress and we carry on. They let us be ourselves and wouldn't leave us as easily as a sexual partner would. It takes more than kissing or sleeping with someone else to lose them - things that matter more.

And so this is why if someone, say, a boy, were to not like a close friend of mine, chances are you'd be working your way into my bad books. It doesn't matter if you happen to be the best male candidate out there. I love my friends and if you have a problem with them then you have a problem with me. I see a little of myself in them and I respect everything they do because in a way they're a better version of me. So if you have beef with anyone, you can go make a sandwich out of it and then shove it up your ignorant ass cos I sure don't care.

I do have a "chicks before dicks" attitude, but that may imply that I'm a bit of a feminist. I have no strong opinion on that matter despite coming from Macrob. I'm not saying girls are awesome and boys are dirt. I'm saying I would choose my friends over any potential sexual partner. I call this camaraderism and I am a camaraderist.

Weehee I made up a new word up. Hope it becomes a thing 8)

You need a contingency plan for everything

It doesn't matter how much you study for a test. Or how attentive you are in class, or how many of them you show up to, or how many questions you answer in them.

There's always going to be that one bitch of a question that throws you off.

And then there are the careless mistakes.

Perfect scores are arbitrary. Your input is never guaranteed to show in your output. That's why school can suck balls at times.

I'd like to say I'm not too fussed about missing out on clean, full marks. But I do admit I get disappointed when my SAC mark is lower than the person next to me.

What made me write this post is a recently nagging feeling I've had. One part of me says "if you don't spend every minute preparing, then you're gonna walk into that test, see a question that turns you to a confused cow, and you're going to wish you spent that one lost minute studying." But another part says that I could study in every available minute I had, and I would still find a question unanswerable. And I'm rambling right now...

Anyway, so I'm telling myself I need a contingency plan. I'm going to stop propelling myself head-first into disappointment. I'm still going to try at school, of course. But I won't need every question I have to be answered. I'll have what I can get.

Hm, am I using this as an excuse to not put effort in? It's like when people never try at anything because they're scared of failing. I dunno.. the hardest reading material isn't Shakespeare. It's yourself

Lethargic

So unmotivated. I just feel like sleeping.

You imagine it happening because you know it never will. It won't happen in the real world, that's why you play with it in your head. When you play with it in your head, you know you're pretending. When you know you're pretending you feel like a phony bastard.

But it doesn't stop you from doing it.

Just because you can, doesn't mean you should

Yes, take risks.

But "suck the marrow without choking on the bone",

and "seize the day without sacrificing tomorrow".

Thanks year 10 English, Dead Poets' Society.

"Love is Simple"

"Don't be afraid, you're already dead"
- Akron/Family.

Listening to this song makes me feel ecstatic.. in a dazed-limbo way. It's calming. It's buttery warm. I might seem a bit pessimistic at times. "Trust issues"? But I think I border onto being a Romantic. I don't have an idealised view of reality.. I just love the ideal world. Imagination. The land of "poesy and fancy". I love the night. Looking up at the sky, it's a limitless dark stretch. I feel small everytime I do. When I was little and my family used to take late-night car rides, I would lie flat in the back seat and look up at the sky, and only the sky. Block out the car walls from my view. Feel the motion of the car sway me lightly. See the sky, and only the sky. I loved the feeling it gave me. If I tried hard, I made myself believe I was walking, not on, but inside the sky. It was beautiful. But a part of that wonderful feeling was a small, chilling fear. I was nothing in this giant fishbowl-universe. I felt more easily forgotten.

It's so good seeing a familiar face. Falling in tune with an old frequency again. I'm so happy I caught up with him, it made me realise that maybe I don't want any ties severed. We did have a connection after all and memories are never to made in vain. Nts: don't forget people so easily.

Glad I made SRC! It's not a huge achievement, but it's something. Time to put some commitment to work.

Found out more about a friend and her experience at camp last summer.. Hm, we all run this race at different a pace but the point is, we all pass the checkpoints. It almost makes me sad that she had to have a disappointing ending. I feel slightly protective over her. No one deserves to feel that way, but like I said.. checkpoints.

It's also interesting knowing someone my age who just gave birth to her son. I don't think I'll want kids until a ripe age.. like the late-20s? I don't want to be tied down early. I also want to make sure I've become the best person I can before I raise a kid. That baby looks beautiful anywho.

I've noticed that I get sick quite easily

It's not that I want to. Eh, I kind of wish I'd learn not to.

Stupid hooligans

I had to walk home from Linda's house today at 8.30pm because my parents and brothers were at work, and I needed to get home to study and sleep early. I've never done it before so I didn't know what Linda's neighbourhood was like. At first I thought it was nice because it was peaceful. It was also twilight and the wind was light and cool.

But then I started to notice cicada noises left, right and centre. It started to sound pretty gross to me. After a few minutes it started to get darker and it was harder for me to see the streets without my glasses. And then.. this is slightly embarrassing but.. I had a small "encounter" with a bunch of ratty 10-year-old little shits.

And then I almost walked into a spider floating on a web in mid-air in front of me. And I almost walked into some flying-wasp thing.. twice because there were two of them in my path. EUGHHH bugs were EVERYWHERE.

THE BOTTOM LINE is that I had a shit walk.. and those 10-year-olds.. eugh. If I had the balls to, I would have drop kicked him off his bike and flogged him with the spoke of the wheel.

ASDKLJFHSDJHK fucking hell. Never walking along that street again. I wish I had my own personal hovercraft.. that could shoot laser beams at those pre-pubescent assholes.

Valentine's e-cards

The worst thing you could get from your Valentine would be an e-card. Especially those already-made ones where the only creative thing you do is insert your lover's name. Or pet-name, if you're feeling extra romantic. I don't know anyone who sends this stuff but I think it's the stupidest thing that ever crossed the internet. It's not okay for ages 12 and up, you should be doing something real. It's not even okay for ages 12 and below.. you're not supposed to be falling in love at that age..

This extremely tacky e-card encompasses most things that put me off them.

<<< TACKY








First of all, there's the teddy bear and heart (or ass) shaped balloons. It's way too generic. Who says your lover likes teddy bears and balloons? Just because she's a "girl" doesn't necessarily mean she does.
This doesn't just apply to e-cards. When a guy likes a girl and immediately thinks to buy her teddy bears, chocolates and balloons for Valentine's, to me it's almost like they're saying:

Hello fellow female earthling. I don't really know you that well, but seeing as you harbour female appendages you must like what the media portrays you to like. Therefore you will love pink fluffy toys and anything heart-shaped that I give you and you will love me and I will be top-dog.


I know a lot of girls are into that kind of stuff, and there's nothing wrong with it. But I just think guys should just remember that we're all individuals and have our own interests, and they should get to know them before jumping to conclusions. I know I'm a bit tired of stuffed toys.. they just sit there in my room looking pretty.

Also those white streaks in the background are a bit random. They're either fireworks coming out of the bear's ass or semen :S

The second thing is that it's an E-CARD. Would a Valentine be so niggardly as to send their lover an electronic greeting card? There isn't even any room to put in your own personal message, whereas a real card would. If you really did love someone, surely $5 on a real card wouldn't put your house on a mortgage.. Or just make your own on Publisher. That might even be better than buying a real card. Just don't get a pre-made card!

That's about it. I'm not complaining about "I love you beary much" though, because I love puns and I think that one's just too good heheheh.

"Sometimes love's intoxicating"

I remember being on the receiving end, back in primary school. Maybe that's why I've become quite callous-hearted now. "Rum", as that facebook game would call me.
For a while now I've been 'indifferent'. I'll have to pay someday and when I do, karma's going to be quite the bitch.
The last one was good, but hid beneath an exterior that sold him short. It's that last one that makes me wonder if I'm a bad person. Cutting, and not having the decency to bury my own work.

Get over her

Ok, I have to get something off my chest right now.. you might think I should be telling this to the actual person, but I already have. And he doesn't listen.

It doesn't matter how long you guys went out for. It doesn't matter that the promises you made to each other now mean nothing.

And it sure as HELL does not matter if she's moving on and hanging out with new boys. In fact, that's what you should be doing too. The moving on part.

Let it GO.

You guys loved once, but now it didn't work out. That's life. If you can't handle this high-school break-up, then how are you going to handle the adult world?

Please, get out of your cesspool of pity. It's almost ridiculous now. I do miss the old you.

Time catches everyone

Jessie intro'd me to the song Sandi Thom - Time

I'm turning 18 relatively soon and, looking back, I wish I were more of a risk-taker. I want to think of my childhood and adolescent years as the period of my life where I could really live without any serious obligations or repercussions.

I wish I stepped up to becoming the softball team captain in grade 6. I wish I wagged a bit of classes pre-VCE to do something fun. I wish I went camping more often, slept-over more often, felt that god-lovely adrenalin more often, got scared more often. But no, I wanted to be a good girl and lap up praise from those who wanted me to live a "perfect" stain-free life.

I don't want to sound like an angsty, out-of-control teen-rebel, but I wish I made more mistakes. They would've been more forgivable at that age. And I would harbour those lessons.

Only in my later adolescent years have I really started to push my boundaries. And for that, I am happy. Relieved that I didn't stay in my cloud of ignorance and safety any longer than I already had. It's not solely because of Macrob, but choosing to sit the entrance exam played a huge part in my turning point.

I've started to notice that for each little risk I've taken something opened up - new friendships, a new perspective, a new resolve. It was hard to see at first. But when I did, that's when I fell in love with it.

I haven't learnt to be fearless - I still get scared of changes and anything that's new. I've just learnt to assess the risk, chin-up, subdue the fear and open the door.

Smelly kid

Robert farts
Me: Man!!! I felt, heard, and saw that.
Robert: Did you taste it?
I slap him on the leg
Robert: Aw man.. you made me let out another one.

"There's nothing wrong with just a taste of what you've paid for"

Kathy linked me to Panic! At the Disco's first single for their upcoming new album, Vices and Virtues - The Ballad of Mona Lisa

Oh my GOD! It sounded so good. So much so that I wanted to become emo again..

Okay, in year 8 I used to listen to all this rock/punk rock music. I also used to be a little emo, try-hard teenybopper with a boofy mullet hair-cut. EUGH.

But in my defence, all the cool kids did it.. 8)

Heavy eye-liner, black-and-white striped leg-warmers (sometimes worn on my arms), black chuck taylors, and high-angled camwhore photos (no smiling of course) in my bathroom. Pretty sure Michelle's got some photos of us and Phalnika being emo losers stored somewhere @_@

I remember walking around my suburb with some friends once, and my brother's friend saw me and he reported back to him: DUDE - HAHAH - YOUR SISTER'S - HAHAH - ALL EMO... HAHAHAH!

Why was I so dementeddddd?? @_@

I used to love all these bands: Simple Plan, Green Day, Linkin Park, Sum 41, Paramore, The Living End, AFI, Good Charlotte, My Chemical Romance, The Used.

ESPECIALLY Panic! At the Disco.

I saw them live in year 8. Except they played songs mostly from their second album, which was a more classic-rock deviation from their first :( Then I stopped liking them so much.

But when Kathy linked me to that song all my childhood emo-ness came back to me. But since then I have become less retarded.

I've fallen in love again with this band D: I love how their theme involves circus-style stuff and how they evoke a sort of 'baroque' pop sound.

Now I'm going to go cut myself.. a slice of mungbean cake.

Stubborn

It's good that you're aware of your flaw, but you're not any better if you make no effort to correct it.

Some people won't be hanging around forever.

Yes I do feel mad right now.

First post

In honour of my first post, I would like to give a shout out to a certain person who apparently followed my old blog really closely.

According to one of my sources this person "panicked" whenever I deleted a post and got the "cache" out or something so he/she could see what was on my deleted post.

The dedication and passion was flattering.

I did feel slightly violated though.

So thanks anon, even though my blogs were really bland. I remember posting something about a guy who mowed our lawn.. but if that works for ya!